who do i think i am?

so i went ahead and bought a botkier bag yesterday. now, since a good many of you don't know me, let me explain.

i have absolutely no business buying a $650 bag.

total, i spent almost $4000 yesterday. ONE day. is that even legal? i mean, bills, loans, christmas -- most of it was logical, but some of it (like the aforementioned [adorable] bag) was not. i'm trying to compare myself to someone right now. who spends $4k/day? to actual celebs, it's nothing. so i'm not in that league at all. maybe more in the young investment banker range? does that seem logical?

let's go with it. a 25 year old investment banker might very well spend a few grand every day, just because. well, i probably make about a quarter (and that's being VERY kind to myself) of what an ibanker usually makes. so how long before i'm broke, kids?

if A+B=C i think it means -- today. i'm currently ridiculously bankrupt and have no idea what to do about it. or really any kind of desire to change my spending habits at all, honestly.

as such, consider this post a call for help -- a desperate plea to all of you out there -- i NEED a life coach. someone to literally hit me w/ a stun gun, to "tase me, bro!" every time i whip out the plastic. positive reinforcement hasn't worked for 23 years, so it's time to turn to the bottle, er, negative.

bring on the applications!

damn the man

so the last...forever...since my last post was not entirely my fault. mostly it was, but also, my first amendment right was stolen from me as my site was blocked at work. and i've been too wasted before and after work to get it together to post something dope from home.

it's been so long, i don't really even know where to begin. so i'm thinking about things that i love. boys, rum, being organized, shopping with other people's money, and australia.

as we're entering the holiday season, i'd like to share a little article with you about my (future) countrymen.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/lifestyleaustraliachristmasoffbeat;_ylt=AjxRtdeheNEcm8WVk9rCuG_tiBIF

ok, you're clearly too lazy to click on that...punk, so i'll give you a little overview. those ridiculous(ly awesome) sydneysiders decided that santas saying "ho ho ho" is offensive to women, so they now must say "ha ha ha".

honestly...i'm offended that you think, sydney, that i'm going to think i'm being called by name when santa shouts "ho ho ho". like i'm actually going to turn around and bitchslap the dude, alll "who you callin' a ho, fatty!"

so this brings us to the real question -- did the above scenario actually happen? and who was there but didn't catch it on video? or, worse, if it didn't happen -- who was sitting around and just thought this up? maybe it will also offend gardeners. you know, hoes...?

yikes, sorry...there was something there. couldn't hit it.

man, australians are so nuts. it's good to hear they're taking a little break from hate crimes against aborigines and asians though. lay it on the bitchez....

la belle et le bad boy

i, for one, am pretty over all this SATC bullshit. i can't turn around w/o someone talking about this movie or whatever that crazy patricia field has sarah jessica parker struttin around in.

this movie is being touted as the second coming of christ. and if i didn't love the show so goddamn much, i would probably boycott it. but i won't be a hypocrite on this 70 degree friday in late october, that would just be ungrateful.

but, i have to say, whoever is doing their PR is not getting paid enough. between the "mysterious" buzz created for the last few years -- including into production -- and the allowance of just enough set stills to be "leaked" to our favorite blogs, to candace bushnell's original sex and the city columns from over a decade past being reprinted in the Observer, to -- probably the most underrated of all -- that 1985 classic, Girls Just Want to Have Fun being aired on ABC Family this past weekend...we're all thoroughly reacquainted with SJP, thank you very much.

it doesn't help that our last memory was that gawdawful finale. cheezbeyondcheez. i mean, finding the carrie necklace when she's w/ the russian. she finally finds "herself" so she can run away into big's arms. (Ed. Note: Big is a dick. he won't change. and he's like 50. so realistically, if he's like any of our boys, which he's always been...they should be divorced by now.)

idk what pisses me off more, the fact that bushnell makes as much as she does butchering the english language in her feigned attempts to write about mink coats and dating models. or that the people who wrote that lazy finale are probably set for life.

regardless, T-195 days to US release...

THIS is what i've been matched with

You’re welcome.

the email i just received, in it's entirety. match.com works friends, you heard it here first.

bastards, all of you!

no this "friend" is NOT me!

assholes...

can't fault a drunk

this whole match.com series thing was a great idea. cept then i remembered that my pal is one of maybe 3 people who booze more than i do. that said, she's chosen the bottle over creating a match account.

i respect that.

so we'll move on to probably the biggest challenge facing internet dating: the picture. you've gotta show something that makes you look...well...hot. but also fun, though not too fun, cause then you're advertising that you're a fall down drunk or immature or something. and isn't dating all about discovering those secrets??

and when searching through pictures...oh boy. 90% of the dudes out there have pics from 3-10 years ago when they had hair and were 40lbs lighter. and if it's out of focus...the camera was trying to tell you something.

unless it's a picture like this, then what you see is what you get.



and yes, i'm including this just b/c this post sucks. and even midgets dressed like dalmatians can't make this thing funny.

find me a find. catch me a catch.

apparently this online dating thing is normal now? i'm not sure if i agree with that. you still judge, you know? i mean, meeting a dude online aren't you pretty skeptical that he actually took the time to upload his pictures online and meticulously fill out all those questions about how he gets turned on by tattoos and how girls who love parrots totally weird him out?

anyway, i've convinced a friend of mine to join match.com. of course, she doesn't need it being one hot little vixen, but she's graciously accepted this challenge to provide my readers with an educational look into the world of online dating.

also, she can shove it b/c who doesn't want to hook up as much as possible? so we'll follow this pal as she strolls down the path to awkward first dates and unwanted kisses goodnight, er...i mean...love or something...

along her journey, however, she will face a few obstacles like the AGRO CRAGGG remember that shit?! GUTS! that was the hottest show. "Let's go to Mo with the results!"

seriously.

challenge number one: choosing a name. your match.name is the first thing boys will see. so it can't be too out there or hard to remember, but it shouldn't really have anything to do with your name or current IM names or serious stalkage is bound to ensue. but it still has to be "you" right? i don't even know what i just said. i definitely just blacked out.

challenge number two: getting over the "what kind of boys are on this thing?" focus on how cute they are. let's face it. if you were at a bar that's all you'd be thinking anyway. and, who actually has a cool personality? like 2% of the population, and at least 1.5% of that 2% is hit. so focus on looks. it's the only fair way.

stay tuned for spicy updates...

tell me he doesn't wax too....

if one more person tries to tell me adrien brody is hot. so help me... we're not talking about that stud from the oc, ladies. no no, i'll give adam brody to you...but i will tell you that he's a dick for breaking up with summer.

we're discussing the dude from the pianist. exhibit a:



homeboy needs a nose job. yesterday. this guy hooks up with everyone in hollywood too. remember when he made out with halle berry?! who the haaaaaaayll do you think you are?? if you saw this clown in a bar and had no idea that he'd been in some borderline memorable films a few years ago you wouldn't even let him buy you a drink (Ed note. that's a lie because i let a guy buy me a drink last night who spent 40 mins talking about how he writes science fiction musicals. in no way is that an exaggeration).

and, you know, i'm throwin' this out there -- i'm not really buying that he's that talented. i loved the pianist. i did. heavy, WWII shit is my jam. esp if you're ever shooting in black and white or using some kind of crazy effect like they did when the whole film went silent/ringing when the bomb went off in the dude's building. but i mean -- how hard is it to convey that you can't hear for 30 seconds??

so...since then he's been in what? king kong?! there was a scene in that movie where king kong wrestles dinosaurs. dinosaurs! for over 20 minutes. so no, i don't respect your work in that film, sir.

anyway, i don't really have anything against him or care about much that he does. i just saw this picture and it totally pissed me off that he's walkin' around, bedding chicks.

PS i just got word he shops at abercrombie.

hip is the new gay?

work has been luda so yeah, posting hasn't happened. i'd apologize but you don't give a fuck at all.

so things have changed in the last couple of weeks. number one, i've somehow managed to hold onto a job that i actually like for more than a year. ok...well, a year. let's not get crazy. but pretend you're impressed or proud or whatever. and number two, i now live in brooklyn.

hipsters are no joke. they're all over the city but of course are concentrated in the billyburg section of brooklyn. as i just found out there's such thing as a "G-train" (i originally thought it was a joke, like "ghetto-train" that took you through bad ass queens or upstate new york or the nearest crack house...which is basically my stoop) i haven't made the trip up to williamsburg, but i have seen my fair share of worn sundresses, stripes, scarves, and skinny jeans across brooklyn to pose the question: how far does it go?

are there different levels of hip in hipster? level one being tight, pilled sweaters and pageboy caps. level two you feel confident enough to wear skinny jeans and grow out a full beard while reading any book about che guevara and you start smoking european cigarettes while taking pictures of the way shadows hit your fire escape (and probably selling them for more than my yearly salary).

and then what's level three? something tells me it has to do with sexuality. why? cause i'm bored. and also, doesn't it always?

i mean, prepsters have that air about being repressed sexually when in reality they're all about marrying at 24 (26 for the gents, natch) and swinging for the rest of their marriage. that's if their nice, if not it's just straight up affairs.

hipsters are all about fucking the man (and yes, that's a blatant double entendre). so being totally comfortable about your sexuality has to be in there. so it's cool to make out with everyone -- guys, girls, bearded, not? what's the line? is there a line?

is being a hipster like rushing a frat? you need to play 486436 games of beiruit and bed mad cheerleaders to be initiated? as a hipster you not only have to use the term "post-modern" 15+ times a day, but you also need to prove you're totally comfortable going down on a guy and a girl?

sorry

because i don't have time to post -- consider this my apology:

http://jezebel.com/gossip/clips/retro-fashion-90210-mother+daughter-fashion-show-297273.php

you're welcome

Rutmance

let's discuss the phenomenon known as the "filler crush". we've all been there. you're not totally seeing anyone else. and, for some gawdawful reason, you're not crushing anyone either. so you fall back, and fall back hard.

you go back to that guy you know you're not into just because you're bored.

now, careful girls, filler crushes are sometimes confused with a romantic regression, where you end up messing around with the ex who's totally wrong for you. different situation entirely. the filler crush isn't nearly as serious. you can still get hurt from it, of course, but the wounds are self-inflicted. you end up realizing that your life is totally pitiful and you're just straight up pathetic.

it stings, i know. but, honestly, sometimes the best cure is just to wait out the rutmance period. odds are it won't last more than a month or two -- excruciating, i know. trust me, i know... but you gotta believe you'll make it through. i mean, you can't end up g-chat flirting with some dude you hooked up with less than a handful of times just cause you needed a place to crash for the night, can you?? oh god...can you?!

hey, if things get desperate, you can always throw on a pair of fuck me pumps have 9 grey goose and grapefruits and end up with yet another victim on the regression romance list. there's always that.


Thanks Jessa!

such as, um, US Americans...

So I had to share this...

Sometimes -- and we all do it -- you toggle between wanting to be smart and average looking or hot and a blond idiot. hahaha ok i didnt need to include blond, but this girl is...not smart. and blond. don't tell me there aren't stereotypes for a reason (and don't tell me i can't use a double negative when i want to).

yeah, i really have nothing that can top the idiocracy of that video. so just watch it again. and pass it on to as many people you know.

ps don't deny it, you're totally a member of the "i hate that i think mario lopez is hot" club..

love and racism

when my friend trinh demanded that i write a new post, she suggested writing about love, racism, and the fact that she's tired.

well, you know what. i'm tired too. tired of people demanding too much of me. there's just not enough time. there's never any time! but i'm so excited, i'm so excited, i'm so scaaaaaaaaared.

officially laying off the cold medicine for the rest of the day. better i get my crazy out here though, rather than in the copy i'm writing at work right now. actually, let's talk about saved by the bell. as i wrote a 20 page paper on the love struggle between zack morris and kelly kapowski junior year of college, i'm sort of an expert on the show and relationships within it. and, on a thursday, how can you beat talking about things that went on back in 1989 -- also the year new kids on the block began filming their show. though, admittedly, it wasn't released until the following year.

i digress.

rather than discuss specific episodes of the show, i'd rather discuss some neato trivia about our favorite after-school gang. like -- did you know that jennie garth (kelly taylor on 90210) auditioned for the role of kelly kapowski? umm...were there only 2 tv shows shot in all of the 90s? cause tiffani thiessen (yeah, she dropped the amber. catch up.) then hopped on 90210 shortly after crazy shannen doherty jumped ship (or was pushed overboard as the case may be). and we all know you can't have a tv show without a bitchy brunette. and you remember that tori spelling got her start on saved by the bell too, before going on to bigger and better days of baring her middrift in every single episode of 90210.

Ed. Note: remember in the opening credits of 90210 when tori spelling is sitting under a tree eating a sandwich, but rather than biting into it she breaks off tiny pieces and then puts them in her mouth? to this day i still do that when i eat sandwiches because of that opening shot. thank god it's the only thing i learned from tori spelling.

my favorite saved by the bell trivia: remember the fashion show epsiode when lisa and zack are "dating" and screech gets all pissed b/c he sees them kissing and throws out some bitter line like "and here's zack wearing a suede coat -- the perfect article of clothing to wear when you STAB YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE BACK!" anyway, i remember watching that show and thinking how weird it was that lisa and zack hooked up. and nooooooooooo not because she was black -- in fact, it pissed me off in the earlier episodes that lisa always had a random no-name black guy as her date to the dances. but, in fact, through most of the show including the epi's that they're in hawaii -- lisa (lark voorhies) and zack (mark-paul-mary-kate-ashley-gosselaar) were dating in real life! whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

that gives you something to ponder next time you're blazed out, shoving pringles in your face, watching reruns on TBS at 4:30 in the afternoon when you should be at work...

unoriginal, unintelligent thoughts.

everyone at work is hungover today. i'm not, but it's the general vibe, so i'm happy to go along with it. because i'm clearly not doing work, i've been thinking a lot about the world around me. changes, staticism (the act of being static -- an invented oxymoron -- kind of like normalcy. if warren g. harding can invent a word, i can.), ticks of the world (not to be confused w/ ticks of the woman next to me on the 1 train this morning).

so i have a few things for you to ponder along with me -- they mostly revolve around being as lazy as possible.

1) Is there a systematic way to pack for a move? It seems to me there should be an easier way than throwing everything you own into boxes/bags then into a truck then out of the boxes/bags into their new spot. why aren't there more services out there (especially in nyc) with people who will do it for you? that would be a pretty sick job to have. spend a day, throw someone's shit in a box and get a few bills. you don't have to do any of the actual heavy lifting. just the packing. i'm pretty persuasive huh? you're totally convinced. come on over to my place around 9am tomorrow and i'll let you know if you have what it takes to be a professional packer. now, i dont have any cash, exactly, but there's a good chance i have a half-corked bottle of cabernet on my nightstand...

2) Why have toilets not really evolved in the last 859289436 years? i'm not getting graphic here, relax, but i just feel like with everything else having evolved SO much -- the tv, the phone, the computer, clothes -- you'd think after all this time, the toilet would be a lot cooler. yeah, indoor plumbing was a great call. but that was decades ago. we're ready for something better. you're challenged again, huh? fax me the blueprints. (side note - are either fax machines or blueprints still used?)

3) How come not everyone can dance? We all have the same body parts (easy...) and hear the same music. so, how come only some people can find a beat and bust a move?

4) Lastly, where the hell does heidi montag get off making a song?!

who's cultured? you's cultured?

i'm awful at new york city. the idea of it -- i mean, terrible. the whole city revolves around being "cultured" which is really just being as pretentious as possible. and i love being better than everyone, trust me. but with witticisms and obscure pop culture references. so i hate that every conversation in the city revolves around which restaurants you've been to and how you like your wine and how many oscar wilde references you can throw down over your fillet.

well, i can't use chop sticks. i'm more of a hemingway fan. i drink pinot (noir, grigio, whatever) because i like saying the word "pinot" not because i can really taste the difference between most wines. and i've probably eaten at a total of 6 restaurants in the city -- 2 were pizza places, 3 were dunkin donuts', and the other was the tasti-d on spring.

so i'm thinking i should probably move somewhere else. somewhere i can dominate in a matter of days. where i come in like kevin bacon in footloose, cause a lil stir, spice-up the minister's daughter, and dance all over the town.

someplace where the beer flows like wine. where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of capistrano.

i'm talking about a little place called....aspen.

i (kinda) quit

basically every day, actually, multiple times a day, i read jezebel and decide to quit blogging. then i realize blogging is totally selfish. i really dont care what other people think, i doubt you find any of this funny or anything more than a waste of your 14 minutes and 23 seconds (yes, that's the average amount of time you jokers spend on this site -- HOW?!). i basically do it cause i can lie to myself and say it's actual "work" that i'm "expanding my craft".

so today is one of those days with this jezebel post:

We once had a boyfriend who was homeless and unemployed. (We know, we know.) When this boyfriend stayed with us, we'd come home to find the bed made, the dry-cleaning picked up and roses on the nightstand. Of course, he was dumb as a stump and we always had to pay for everything, so it didn't last.

ummm i dated this boy. this EXACT boy. i'm not sure which j-bel this is, but one of us got the other's sloppy seconds. i'd like to have a conversation to discover who dated him for less time, the ultimate winner. but this article brings up a good point about the "ever-changing role of the woman in the home" (gag, that phrase might be more over-used than "hot") -- we're supposed to be all hardworking and such that we need a man to be the "wife"??

eff that, dude. i'd rather have a shitshow of a house with kids running around all naked and dirty than have a pussy of a husband.

that said, there's gotta be a happy medium between a man-wife and living at britney spears' house, right?

the wait is over!

there are a few things that I enjoy in my spare time. honestly, i wish i could say they were things like analyzing chagall paintings and reading hobbes' leviathan or playing double dutch with terminally ill kids.

but really, it's reality tv. i've spent an unfortunate amount of my day trying to figure out the pre-sale password for So You Think You Can Dance - Live! (if you have it for NJ or Boston, i'll give you a can of V8...and a mini desk British flag...and a towel with a picture of a pearl on it...) and also trying to think of a way i can move the 1 on 1 i have with my manager until a time that isn't the exact same time as the presale! god, life! could you be any crueler?!

but, we all know, before there was reality tv we fell in love with tv that couldn't be further from reality. one show in particular captured my heart. Full House. for my money it doesn't get any better than crazy joey messing up uncle jesse's hair or watching those twins nicky and alex get fuglier with each episode.

the unfortunate thing with sitcoms is that the people on them are actual actors. so they have a bit of pride and don't appear on every MTV show from here until eternity like 97% of the real world cast. because of this, we're often left wondering - where are these crazy kids today!?

well, thanks to my pal Jason (hey jase!) we don't have to wonder anymore!

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/8938741.html

ok, i'll be the one to say what everyone else is thinking: Denise?! dammmmmmmmmn!

Ed Note: I just IMDBed her - she claims to be only 21 years old!? I call your bluff Jurnee Smollett!

Side Note (which is different from and Ed. Note, so shut up): remember when Little Richard cameoed as Denise's uncle in that episode?! that was killer! and also a little racist...

you be the judge

"Mena Suvari shaved her head!!" a pal yells.

"Umm, who??" was my reply. Oh, yes, the kind of unfortunate looking girl from American Beauty. And, you know, I probably wouldn't think she was that hit except that she played a girl who was supposed to be hot, so I had immediate contempt for her.

Regardless, the ho actually looks better sans a mane. maybe that's all it takes now to be taken seriously as an actress -- shave your dome and you'll have oscars coming your way in hours.

then again, remember when natalie portman shaved her head for V for Vendetta and then it totally bombed?? kind of got a chuckle out of that. but whatever, she's smarter and cooler and more talented and certainly hotter -- hair or no -- than any of us, so joke's on us I guess.

(and no, b.spears doesn't fall into this category. she's just straight up wacked. crazy's in a field all her own.)

because it's friday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJdCglISowo

is that even a human sound?? and the fact that it takes them that long to cut back to studio...then the comments?! christ, you can't make this shit up.

also, is it just me or did she barely even fall...?

you ain't got no alibi

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2000/02/15/web_site_offers_fake_alibi/

Not really sure if this is an awful statement on our society or absolutely genius. this article coincides with last month's Details article (the one with a hairy harry potter on the cover) that stated that 60% of people cheat on their significant other. Even scarier there was a stat that said 90% of female cheaters felt they were justified in foolin' around with the pool boy, and showed no remorse in doing so...in fact, most said they'd do it again.

YIKES!

But, from a marketing stand point...there's a need and this is a great product...

just wrap it up, people. please.

anorexia delight

what's the deal with our food? first, shit-tons of puppies and kitties start dying then this toothpaste tainted with anti-freeze, and now there's botulism all up in our canned foods?? (ps botulism?!? i thought that died out w/ small pox and the bubonic plague. wtf??)

if there was a better time and reason to be anorexic, i don't know when it could be. and still, still i'm sitting in my office waiting for the murray's bagel delivery. for all i know their dough is hand-delivered by seedy Chinese ninjas (yes, i'm aware ninja's aren't from china, but they probably had chinese influences and any use of ninja is a good use), and the accompanying bolthouse juices are really bottles of african witch doctor pee (easy, there really are still witch doctors out there...comment that i'm racist. seriously.).

try their whole wheat everything bagel, though, and i can pretty much guarantee you'll roll the dice with the possible result of your liver imploding or your kids being born with 11-teen heads.

honestly, though, can we not test this shit? i read that less than 1% of all food coming into this country is tested by the FDA. ummm....what other job do you have, FDA?? literally, you test foods and drugs...all day. that's all you need to do. i'm pretty sure it wouldn't be too hard to deduce that asian "pizza dough" is really cardboard with dog particles.

get sober.

Hypocrite (noun) a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

yeah, i totally admit it, i'm a hypocrite....kelly clarkson's new album's actually really good.

and her song "Sober" is ridic. it's been on repeat all day. i actually bought the entire album b/c she deserves my crisp $10 bill just for this one track.

Hottest lyrics:
And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing

i mean...from the girl who wrote miss independent. that's not half bad.

i'm back on the train, kel! (shhh i was just peer pressured into getting off by Regina and her hoop earrings.)

so over it

oh christ. i give up. frankly, i just don't have the energy anymore...

http://www.tmz.com/2007/07/24/lohan-charges/

who puts coke in their pockets?!?

ick...

is anyone else totally uncomfortable with how comfortable john travolta is in drag?

is that a beret?

all right, this needs to be discussed. what's going on with my girls?? since i was probably 14, i've had maybe, 3 celeb chicks that i love -- legit lezbotlovelove. in no particular order they are:

Kelly Clarkson
Britney Spears
Lindsay Lohan

Sure, other chicks have come and gone like your typical summer fling. I still crush rachel mcadams, but i recently found out she's like 45, so i'm getting over her haggard ass. i'm not ready to take on cougars until i get my first botex injection...i just can't relate.

But these ladies have my heart. now, say what you will about LiLo. she takes more drug cocktails on a daily basis than an AIDS patient, should probably sponsor keitel one, and has dabbled in the art of wrapping your mercedes around a tree. BUT throughout it all, she's still hot. now that she's slowly weened of the blow-only diet (and yeah, that can probably be taken a few different ways...) she looks even hotter!

even kelclark. sure, she needs to lay off the bologna and cheese sammys, but she cleans up well and you gotta respect that she goes to blows with the biggest music mogul out there to get her songs heard. are they shitty songs? well, i'm not buying that gawdawful album, but hey, my respect, kel. seeing her live at lilith fair...er...her summer concert at great woods, i was even more impressed. though, babe, you need to throw down a few bills for a stylist. that's all i'm saying.

now, brit...i mean, wow is about all i can manage to say anymore. sometimes you gotta throw your hand in and let god take over. now, for my money, it doesn't get any better than her live performance of Slave. hot, pre-kids brit. before the umbrella attack and the granny panties. but on the brightside...the new video is probably going to win the ultimate unintentional-comedy prize. she's a poor man's elvira in that picture and that's a hectic statement -- i didnt know it was possible to have a worse version of elvira. actually, thinking about it. elvira's kind of a hot slut.

that doesn't change the fact that brit doesn't have a chance in hades of this album being anything but a hot mess. i'm excited to see the new technological advances in airbrushing, though. hopefully they're shooting the whole thing in black and white.

so, sorry brit, but you've now officially been knocked out of the top 3 and replaced with Cat Deeley (or at least her wardrobe...) .

My Big, Fat, Irish Family: Vol. 1

my family is nuts. i mean...like legitimately crazy. now, i've been toying with writing about the fam for awhile b/c it could be awesome and it could be totally disastrous. you kind of have to go big or go home on something like this, and it reminds me of a great Full House episode. remember when joey gladstone dates that weird looking blond comic and she spent all this time with the fam then hated on everyone on stage and they were all "joey, you gotta break up with her." and he's all "guys, it's funny! lighten-up!" but she was really just being an uber bitch.

i'm that blond comic now (and just as beat and un-funny), but it doesn't change the fact that my family is crazy. i'll give you a specific example. for the last 35 years my family has been invading a tiny little lake in maine known as Panther Pond. this is extended family, i'm talking about -- aunts, uncles, dozens of cousins, etc.

so, apparently, at one point or another in the early years of "goin' up Maine" things got chaotic and my Uncle Jack felt that to create ultimate order, we'd have to create "Maine Rules" which you absolutely have to follow or....else. (He kind of reminds me of Hobbes in that way -- absolutely terrified of mob-rule, that he'd actually lock himself in his house for years on end rather than face a crowd.)

And these aren't rules like "no running on the pool deck" or "wait 30 mins after eating before you go in the water". No, no (and I am NOT joking about these rules, nor am i exaggerating. I will give you actual references to confirm that these must, in fact be followed).

Rule #13: You may only have ONE (1) piece of meat on a sandwich and ONE (1) piece of cheese. If you are lucky, and it is a particularly quiet day at the cottage and there is a high cheese to meat ratio, you may eat another piece of cheese AS YOU MAKE THE SANDWICH.

But that extra piece of cheese is rare, honestly, I'm pretty sure you need the Pope's blessing before that one.

or take Rule # 27: You may not go for ice cream unless you are bringing everyone with you at the same time. That includes both adults, children, and your 89 year old grandmother.

or, my favorite now that I'm counting my vacation days and would like to spend every moment of which exactly how i'd like to spend it, Rule # 4: You may not nap in the cottages. You are on vacation, so why do you need to nap? Should you like to sleep, you must do so on a towel at the beach or on the raft.

Nevermind the 948593 screaming children attempting to pour buckets of water on you.

yikes, i think i might need a volume 2 or 20...?

monsoon love story

well, i've officially fallen head over heels in love. it's bad too -- that can't tear yourself away, miserable when you're anywhere else, you're now a totally different person kind of love.

yup, i'm in love with new york. finally.

my heart will always belong to boston, but i don't really anticipate my love affair with this city ending anytime soon. and like any affair, it's not easy. my lover tortures me pretty much daily. it throws me freezing winters with the added challenge of "haaaaaaayll no, i'm not plowing these streets. try trekking through 3 day old dirty slush in those new heels, baby!"

now, it's summer. but instead of getting beaches and boats, my lovahhh throws me humidity and nasty smelling garbage, or homeless people, or subway pee, or i guess a nostril-burning, acidic combination of all of these things. and, as if the constant terrorist threats weren't enough, today we have a natural disaster. or at least it seems to be -- it's thunder/lighting/monsooning out.

like a typical girl, though, i just keep coming back for more...

gulp

i still have the plague but as i'll be on vaca (huzzah! huzzah!) next week, i figured i'd leave you with an interesting article/blurbalurb i just read.

Fast Company reports:
Want to do something help stop the climate crisis? Stop buying bottled water. Last year Americans spent $15 billion "for a product we have always gotten, and can still get, for free, from taps in our homes." In the US we ship 1 billion bottles of the stuff around a week. That's "37,800 18-wheelers." And water is "so heavy you can't fill an 18-wheeler with [it] - you have to leave empty space. To top it off, US tap water is safer than the bottled stuff and 24 percent of what we buy is "tap water repackaged by Coke and Pepsi." What are we thinking?

24% of what we buy is tap water repackaged by Coke and Pepsi. I wonder if that can be legal, but i suppose, why not? it's not like it's false advertising. they never say "this has never been and can never be tap water."

The whole point of this article is about how we can stop global warming if we stop drinking bottled water cause those trucks are off the road. and maybe we should stop eating, or wearing clothes, cause i'm pretty sure planes and trucks have to deliver that stuff too.

so eff that - those sluts down south need to stop buying their quintuple hemi eat the world and vomit up pure carbon emissions pick ups. and every single kid that went to my high school needs to stop getting jeep grand cherokee's for their 16th birthday when their parents already drive an escalade. maybe we should focus on that for awhile.

also - why is there still global warming when every fucking flight gets canceled anyway?! i say this because i'm flying tomorrow -- prove me wrong us air. prove me wrong.

smile this, bitch.

my good friend jess sent me a great Glamour article which i feel the need to elaborate on.

it talks about the phenomenon known as "bitchface" whereby, if you're a chick, your normal face just isn't good enough -- you have to be smiling 24-7 or else someone, usually a dude, takes it upon themselves to comment on how pissed off you are.

i'm not pissed, guy, it's just my face.

jess, being a cute redhead, often gets the "Smile, Red." comment by random passers by. and one time, as i was strolling through my campus, passing by the ROTC center, some marine or soldier or whatever literally grabbed me and, of course he had a condescending smirk upon his face, said "it's not that bad is it?" and you know, i really wasn't in a bad mood at all. just an average, expressionless mood. but that comment pissed me off so much i stared him in the face and said "actually, i just found out my brand new puppy got eaten by a coyote."

ok, i'm not that quick on my feet. but i can tell you, i was pretty pissed off. i definitely didn't smile at him and remember bitchily snapping free from his grasp.

what do you want from me, world?! should i be constantly skipping down the street leaving a trail of butterflies, hearts, and glitter behind me? fuck that.

i like to live my life pretty apathetically. you can't be happy all the time, cause then when something awesome happens, what do you do? no one would even know. you'd have to be like "guys! something awesome just happened!!" and your friends would be all "really? i couldnt even tell...."

you think you know, but you have no idea

this is the first and last time i will say this - but i don't know shit.

they're back. it's announced. posh is in! i mean you knew the other 4 ho's were in. wtf else are they doing? but that little minx, posh, threw me for a loop. i forgot about the almighty buck. a cool $20mill, of course she's in! that's like manicures for a month!

anyway - we're gonna have to work on some new names for these sluts. i mean, sporty is not so...cough...sporty anymore. lesbian spice? does that work? box spice? yeah, that's fierce. and classy.

anyway, let's discuss this picture for a minute. posh is amazing and awful and the only one of them who can rock those pleather pants and ohlawdy that shirt. she's my fucking hero.

i can feel how pissed off sporty is that she has to stand next to her. actually, i'll stop with the sporty bashing. she looks pretty normal. but she's probably shopping at k-mart at this point (i mean...the belt?) so i'm kind of happy for her. get her ass to a personal trainer and back in some james' jeans and she'll no longer be hiding behind those 6" thick bangs.

ginger, ginger, ginger....a) botox. b) most of us stopped playing dress up in our grandmother's Great Depression clothes when we were 7... c) those shoes don't match anything. especially not that dress. i, for one, am actually hoping she goes back to that godawful red-blond streaked look she rocked in '98.

baby is so coked out, she has no idea where she is let alone that someone dressed her up as the wicked witch of the west. $50 that bow tie thing leads to a cape...

scary, i can't really shit on. she's hot. she just had a kid and is in constant battle with that dick of a baby daddy, eddie murphy. i guess maybe i feel for her. i'll probably be there in 5-7 years. actually, i can shit on her. those shoes have to go, babe...

the moral of the story: 25 city tour by christmas. who's in??

July, July!

Urban Dictionary's AMAZING definition of Hipster

Listens to bands that you have never heard of. Has hairstyle that can only be described as "complicated." (Most likely achieved by a minimum of one week not washing it.) Probably tattooed. Maybe gay. Definitely cooler than you. Reads Black Book, Nylon, and the Styles section of the New York Times. Drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon. Often. Complains. Always denies being a hipster. Hates the word. Probably living off parents money - and spends a great deal of it to look like they don't have any. Has friends and/or self cut hair. Dyes it frequently (black, white-blonde, etc. and until scalp bleeds). Has a closet full of clothing but usually wears same three things OVER AND OVER (most likely very tight black pants, scarf, and ironic tee-shirt). Chips off nail polish artfully after $50 manicure. Sleeps with everyone and talks about it at great volume in crowded coffee shops. Addicted to coffee, cigarettes (Parliaments, Kamel Reds, Lucky Strikes, etc.), and possibly cocaine. Claims to be in a band. Rehearsals consist of choosing outfits for next show and drinking PBR. Always on the list. Majors or majored in art, writing, or queer studies. Name-drops. May go by "Penny Lane," "Eleanor Rigby," etc. when drunk. On PBR. Which is usually.

spicy

i read somewhere that the cure for writers' block is reading. well, that person is genius because i just read dlisted and found the most amazing idea i've ever heard. well, that's strong, the most amazing idea i've ever heard is one from my brother, who invented that salsa cans/glasses/whatever should be weighted so that, as you eat the salsa, a plate lifts up so that the salsa stays on the top and you dont have to dip your hand into the salsa rimmed glass so as to get tomato and oniony residue all over your distal phalanges (fingers. i'm smart).

anyway, some marketing GENIUS decided that Posh should become an LA Galaxy Cheerleader!! that's the soccer team or something that becks' plays for. i mean, could Posh have been created for a better role other than the ditzy blond cheerleader? well, one problem....she doesn't smile. ever.

SO that brings me to my next awesome idea - a spice girls reunion! i'm sad to say that on more than one halloween, i had the great pleasure of dressing up as both posh and sporty spice. apparently i hang out with a lot of blondes, because on another occasion i was forced to be charlotte york from sex and the city because i'm the only brunette. standing around chicks who dressed up as naked at some frat's halloween party and i'm in a fetching cardigan... needless to say i drank way too many cosomo's and spent the night puking in my communal dorm bathroom. that's probably what sporty spice is doing right now - and Baby too as soon as she gets her legs down from up, over her head.

But Posh won't go for it. guaranteed. with this new clothing line and reality tv show, there's no chance she'll go back to her roots. she'd be crazy to do it. i bet she actually thinks she's the first wannabe celeb (yeah that was supposed to be punny b/c of the spice girls song "wannabe"...you there?) to have the brilliant idea of creating a clothing line.

regardless, whoring yourself out on stage or in your rich husband's bed? i'd take becks. at least you get hotter arm candy than scary spice and her afro (and, maybe, eddie murphy's kid?).

awfully ornery

Speaking of fierce! holy shit, annie!!




i'm in the bitchiest mood today and i have some time to kill. so you're getting nothing but fierce.

you know, what's so annoying about shitty days at work...when they're on fridays, am i right or am i right?? (yeah i just got a total urge to write this post as if it's a bad stand up comedy routine. it's cracking me up so i'm keeping it going.)

so i says to myself today, i says "self, how can i make this day better?"

anyway, i decided either by kicking babies or getting crushed. so i'm getting crushed. now, i have a question to propose to guys. what if you saw a girl sitting at a bar alone on a friday evening, having a few beers....maybe a shot or 7? would you be completely attracted to her? the woman of your dreams?

the correct answer is yes.

anyway, what else sucks about today? ummm it's the most beautiful day of the year and i'm at a desk drinking seltzer water with the shakes b/c the tequila from 3 days ago finally cleared my system. i'm salivating at the thought of a beer, i mean...thats not that healthy.

all right, i've really got nothing, so i'll leave you with something awesome:

poor man's posh

a little stumped as to what i should post today, i asked my pal kerry for an idea of something light to chat about today. her response:

Kerry: umm....how about the the fact that insurance companies should begin to cover genetic testing for breast cancer since the tests are available and effective and allow for preventative measures to be taken / aggressive screening to help lower the overall cost of treatment

awesome.

well, i wont be discussing breast cancer today. er...sorry? now i feel kinda guilty about it. like is should be blogging about something important like cancer. shit.

whatever, let's talk about katie holmes. i mean, christ woman. she aged literally 25 years in the last 18 months. why is tom TRYING to make her unattractive? he doesn't want her, i think we can all safely say that's a fact at this point. so why does he care if she's hot? doesn't her being hit in the face bring his stock down?

i really would kill to know the terms of their agreement. i wonder how i can get some face time with one of those "reliable sources" always featured in US Weekly and figure it out. between the people i know and the people you know, one of us has connections to the TomKat lair. actually, i'm sure there's all kindsa freakay shite going on in there. i can hear the lambs screaming...

lock it up

when the number of hours of sleep over a 3 day period are less than the number of shots you've taken. reassess. and by reassess i mean, know that your life is awesome. my life was officially declared awesome this weekend.

since i was out and about in various venues of new york city ranging from black tie events at gotham hall to dive bars to trendy clubs, i took in a lot of, shall we say, mating rituals. i'm pretty much an expert at this point. so, being that i'm basically certified to judge people i'd like to comment:

Girls - get dressed, sober up, and lock it up!

christ, i can't count how many times i saw a 20 something chick pouring vodka tonic "with a splash of cran" all over the front of her off-the-rack bloomies mini-dress while simultaneously pouring herself into the arms of some hairy chested tattooed metrosexual's arms (ed. note: dudes, the metro-era is over - button up the shirt. on second thought, burn the shirt.)

i mean, i'd rather gnaw my own pinky finger off than wake up in the arms of one of these jokers. what's worse is, underneath layers of blue eye shadow, these ladies are pretty cute. ok, so i'm being a bit stereotypical. some of them were wearing lavender shadow.

in nyc, you always run into one or two of these chicks in a night. usually you find out later, shockingly, they're from jerz. and you know they're looking for a place to crash that night, whatever it takes. and i respect that. i live in narnia so the thought has crossed my mind before - but usually i realize the cost of a $50 cab ride is significantly less than the medical bills i'll incur while being treated for the clap...

and i mean, guys, you're really just as bad. as much as you say you hate that girl who's wasted and falling all over you - do you not find yourself doing the stride of pride at 7am the next morning? (and, let's be honest, you really didn't get any last night b/c she either passed out or vomited all night), but maybe it's just cool for you b/c getting laid (or saying you got laid?) is more important than who it's with...

i don't know how this turned into a sex-nazi post. i really just meant to bitch about girls cause i pretty much hate 95% of my gender.

i guess i'm no expert after all.

go out, get crushed, and have all the sex you want. even if you end up with a kid you don't want, odds are brad and angie will buy it off you.

just walk away....

i mean, it hurts. i feel like a part of me died last night. it's just...when you invest so much time, energy, love and then everything comes crashing down and you just feel lost, almost...empty wondering What could I have done to change things?

kelly clarkson's tour is canceled.

so maybe she sang one too many break up songs and turned all super-lez on us. so what? i stuck it out. i defended her. i sang at the top of my lungs. i eagerly anticipated the new album.

so what if there were more chicks at her miss independent (time out - kel, could you have thought of a less lez name? the Since U Been Gone tour woulda been lame, but might have had a little less box appeal...) summer tour 2006 than at your typical Lilith Fair? did i defend her when everyone called her fat and talentless? absolutely. but no more, kel. you let me down. your album sucks and, well, you're not skinny.

let this be a lesson to all your wanna-be performers out there: if you gain 10 lbs no one will like you, no one will buy your albums, and your tour will be canceled because no one wants to see a fat lesbian dance. not even fat lesbians.

infomercial addicts anonymous

i'm pretty fiesty today. just read an article in the times that pissed me right off. and, for the first time in my life, i wrote an email.

will that email be read? nope. at least most likely not. but i still feel better about it. i had an outlet for my anger. i kinda hope the dude doesn't get back to me since i'm just a lowly copywriter and he probably makes my yearly salary....per word. if i worked at the times i'd be lucky to get this guy coffee. he's still an asshole.

anyway, the article, if you're too lazy to click the link and read it, is entitled "More advice graduates don't want to hear" and it gives great tips for all of us post-grads on how to save a few bucks.

hey there, you 22 year old, cherry cheeked ivy leaguer! need some extra cash? yeah, well, you should have thought about that before you blew all your cash on that Hercules Hook set you saw on an infomercial last night!

that's seriously this dude's advice. oh, and lay off the $2,000/lb chocolate. thank GOD someone finally wrote that. if i see one more hipster strollin' around billyberg chomping on a designer chocolate bar, i'm calling suze orman.

i go back to my motto on life - everything is relative. you never have enough money. whether its $30k/yr or $300k/yr everyone wants (and thinks they need) more. but at 10am, we're not getting into social commentary. actually, it has nothing to do with 10am...i'm a complete materialist and drop hundies at the bar weekly, so i'm not going to be a total hypocrite.

regardless, i don't watch infomercials. and that's the point.

by the power of grayskull!

it's a slow wednesday and i'm still feeling a little under the weather, so let's talk gossip.

i heard a rumor that a He-man movie is in preproduction. you know he-man, the most powerful man in the universe...well, supposedly he's being played by brad pitt.

discuss.

i mean, he-man's pretty gay. wow. i can actually hear my brother and cousin moaning over this because of the countless hours those two screamed battle cries before diving off the rock wall in our front yard. but, i mean, he was/is gay. easy now. there's nothing wrong with that blah blah blah - i'm only mentioning his sexuality b/c the guy had a blond bob and never wore a shirt (so...maybe not gay, but an anna wintour wanna-be?). also to segue into the fact that brad pitt is the perfect casting choice for said movie. as much as he may have once been a stud (though i, personally was never really on that bandwagon), he's now angelina's bitch. plain and simple.

ok, i don't feel like talking about brad pitt anymore, so back to the master of the universe. most every child of the 80s remembers him. so then how could it be possible that the show was canceled after only 2 seasons?? even more shocking is that i actually remember a decent amount about the bodice-ripping Aryan and his snobby alter-ego Prince Adam, and the show premiered the year before i was born!

i've mentioned how much i hate remakes and sequels, but again, i'll prove myself a hypocrite (get used to this) by saying a remake of He-man would be hellabetter than another spongebob movie....

jungle cats

UPDATE: Bill Simmon's take on the Yanks at the moment: I'm more amazed that my Uncle Ricky e-mailed me this morning with the subject heading "9 1/2." Congrats, you swept the Pirates at home. We're all impressed.

Told you he could say it better.

WARNING: This Post Sucks

i started writing about cougars - the leathery skinned, Revlon-wearing, leopard-print-loving old ladies, not the puma-like creatures ready to pounce. then again, they fit that definition as well.

anyway, that's where the title of this blog comes from, but i'm 23 and could care less about anyone over 30. unless you're my mom or someone awesome, 30+somethings don't really exist to me. bitchy? sure, but hey, 2 points for honesty as our Guster boys taught us. regardless, it's a hot post title, and i figured it would get you reading. so, thanks for being here.

onward! i decided to write about the red sox (ps i just wrote red sex. take from that what you will...). when you don't really have much to talk about, the majority of the world discusses the weather. bostonians are the greatest people on earth, however, so we talk about the sox. and currently, we're dominating, as per usual, so it seems fitting to discuss said domination.

living in NYC during baseball season sucks. right now, the yankees are on a winning "streak" by this i mean they've won a handful of games and they're still about 10 games back, but for some reason i still have to listen to the jokers on the 7 train or in any bar i walk into squawking about A-Rod's 2 homers in last night's game or something equally as hypocritical. i mean, manny sucks a lot of the time, or schilling has a slump and we do bitch and moan, but could yankees fans define fair-weather anymore than they do??

Just the thought of the day. nothing original, so further/better comments on the sox i'll leave to you, friends (yes, i heard the comments and removed the thing that forces you to sign up for google blog to comment. you can post away w/o signing up now) or to the sports guy, who's waaaaaaaaay better at this than i am (evidence).

PS How great is The Post?

oh hai...

my good friend samantha told me i was being ranty today. and then my pal meg suggested fridays should be a bit lighter.

granted, i don't really care what either of these chicks have to say....false, they're smart ladies and i concur. also, i'm bored off my face today, so a fun post you shall have, readers!

by now, just about every one who has a computer knows about LOLcats. they've been linked to, blogged about, digged, redd, and threaded for months. but gollygee i simply can't put my finger on why i love them so much. i hate cats. they chase balls of yarn and shit in boxes and are all around bitches. inside cats are inside b/c they threw a fit when their owner tried to take them outside and outside cats are strays. period. also, they're assholes.

now, i'm a bit of nerd. i know, i know -- i'm also awesome, but i sometimes overanalyze things. and when i become obsessed with something, i become obsessed with it.

so i did some research this caturday (see what i mean...) and dug up the origin of the LOLcats. turns out they're pretty damn old! which generally bugs me. i don't like sequels or remakes or movies based on books or series' in general. i appreciate inventiveness. but in this case, these cats would have died permanently had some bloke out there not revived them.

so good on ya, anonymous dude/gal (probably gal)! and thank you for helping me and my colleagues get through many a long work day....

stop caring

i sometimes fake being passionate about things. by sometimes, i mean often, and by often i mean i don't genuinely care about a damn thing unless it provides fodder for me to get in a fight with someone (preferably a Carmine Gotti-like Yankees fan at a dive bar in Queens, where i'm certain the only reason i'm still alive as i walk away from the "debate" is because i'm a girl. unfair? chicks still only make 75 cents to the man's dollar, so that extra quarter is paid back in being loud and obnoxious after a few too many and walking away without a black eye).

one of the things i might actually be passionate about is the media. relaaaaaaaaax! i'm not gonna sit here and pretend i know enough about the inner-workings of the media to intelligently comment. actually, you know what? i didn't pay $100 grand for a degree in what amounts to being a blend of pop-culture and creative writing for nothing, so i will comment. and you'll shut up and read!

i hate infotainment. i hate that Paris Hilton getting out of jail/being in jail is the number one story on CNN right now. and i LOVE celebs and their crazy lives, but there's a time and a place for it. and the time is not the 11pm ABC nightly news and the place is not MSNBC. it's 3pm on a Wednesday when you're clawing your eyes out at work, sweating out the 11 'tinis from the night before and the place is dlisted or thesuperficial. I mean, does it affect my life at all if Paris is in jail? Other than that my girl Lindsay Lohan will get more blog time, no, it doesn't. So get the ho off my CNN homepage.

i read a really interesting article yesterday about push and pull news, which is where this animosity is coming from - that or the everything bagel i unfortunately (or fortunately) scarfed this morning....the poppy seeds - every damn time!

anyway, i don't know why i decided to make things so heavy this morning. i'm actually in a really good mood today. friday, the weekend, 77 degrees in sunny Manhattan, and John Mayer and J.Simp have officially broken up.

and i decided long ago (never to walk in annnnnnnyone's shadow!!) that every post should end on a high note. so let me leave you with this throwback video. lest we forget....


UPDATE!! CNN BREAKING NEWS: Paris Hilton Ordered Back to Jail. Leaves Court Room Screaming!!

and i'm praying there's video...

fist pumps and telethons

let's get one thing cleared up right off the bat. so we're all on the same page. wtf is up with the name of this blog? well, let me tell you, friend. i have a slight obsession with pop culture -- music, tv, film, you name it and i spend way too much time thinking about it. i can't really name the time or place when this obsession came to brew, but i can tell you the first she-crush i had: Donna Jo Margaret Tanner.




that's right. she was slightly chubby, loved the knee-raising fist pump, occasionally thew in the mid-western accent even though she was from the Bay area (though, to be fair, only when accompanied by a "Oh Mylanta!"), and goddam could that girl sing! she had gusto. and most everyone has forgotten about her. and that, friends, is a shame.

we laughed with her, we cried with her (shut your face off if you are actually sitting here pretending you could hold it together when the violins cued and the mom reappeared in the form of a fun family video talking about much she loved her girls), and we begged her to just eat that bologna sandwich and stop feeding it to Comet before she passes out on the treadmill at the family gym before she even got to Kathy Santoni's birthday party! PLEASE stop eating ice pops and listen to Aunt Becky when she says to eat some lean chicken without the skin!!

i digress.

i really have no business creating a blog. that's a fact. but maybe it'll get me more friends. or someday someone will slap me on the shoulder and slide a pint of Sam Summer in front of me at the bar and say "You can't name all 50 states and their capitals." and i will. and they'll say "A person like you ought to have a blog." and i'll tell them i do. and all this will be worth it. someday...