Rutmance

let's discuss the phenomenon known as the "filler crush". we've all been there. you're not totally seeing anyone else. and, for some gawdawful reason, you're not crushing anyone either. so you fall back, and fall back hard.

you go back to that guy you know you're not into just because you're bored.

now, careful girls, filler crushes are sometimes confused with a romantic regression, where you end up messing around with the ex who's totally wrong for you. different situation entirely. the filler crush isn't nearly as serious. you can still get hurt from it, of course, but the wounds are self-inflicted. you end up realizing that your life is totally pitiful and you're just straight up pathetic.

it stings, i know. but, honestly, sometimes the best cure is just to wait out the rutmance period. odds are it won't last more than a month or two -- excruciating, i know. trust me, i know... but you gotta believe you'll make it through. i mean, you can't end up g-chat flirting with some dude you hooked up with less than a handful of times just cause you needed a place to crash for the night, can you?? oh god...can you?!

hey, if things get desperate, you can always throw on a pair of fuck me pumps have 9 grey goose and grapefruits and end up with yet another victim on the regression romance list. there's always that.


Thanks Jessa!

such as, um, US Americans...

So I had to share this...

Sometimes -- and we all do it -- you toggle between wanting to be smart and average looking or hot and a blond idiot. hahaha ok i didnt need to include blond, but this girl is...not smart. and blond. don't tell me there aren't stereotypes for a reason (and don't tell me i can't use a double negative when i want to).

yeah, i really have nothing that can top the idiocracy of that video. so just watch it again. and pass it on to as many people you know.

ps don't deny it, you're totally a member of the "i hate that i think mario lopez is hot" club..

love and racism

when my friend trinh demanded that i write a new post, she suggested writing about love, racism, and the fact that she's tired.

well, you know what. i'm tired too. tired of people demanding too much of me. there's just not enough time. there's never any time! but i'm so excited, i'm so excited, i'm so scaaaaaaaaared.

officially laying off the cold medicine for the rest of the day. better i get my crazy out here though, rather than in the copy i'm writing at work right now. actually, let's talk about saved by the bell. as i wrote a 20 page paper on the love struggle between zack morris and kelly kapowski junior year of college, i'm sort of an expert on the show and relationships within it. and, on a thursday, how can you beat talking about things that went on back in 1989 -- also the year new kids on the block began filming their show. though, admittedly, it wasn't released until the following year.

i digress.

rather than discuss specific episodes of the show, i'd rather discuss some neato trivia about our favorite after-school gang. like -- did you know that jennie garth (kelly taylor on 90210) auditioned for the role of kelly kapowski? umm...were there only 2 tv shows shot in all of the 90s? cause tiffani thiessen (yeah, she dropped the amber. catch up.) then hopped on 90210 shortly after crazy shannen doherty jumped ship (or was pushed overboard as the case may be). and we all know you can't have a tv show without a bitchy brunette. and you remember that tori spelling got her start on saved by the bell too, before going on to bigger and better days of baring her middrift in every single episode of 90210.

Ed. Note: remember in the opening credits of 90210 when tori spelling is sitting under a tree eating a sandwich, but rather than biting into it she breaks off tiny pieces and then puts them in her mouth? to this day i still do that when i eat sandwiches because of that opening shot. thank god it's the only thing i learned from tori spelling.

my favorite saved by the bell trivia: remember the fashion show epsiode when lisa and zack are "dating" and screech gets all pissed b/c he sees them kissing and throws out some bitter line like "and here's zack wearing a suede coat -- the perfect article of clothing to wear when you STAB YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE BACK!" anyway, i remember watching that show and thinking how weird it was that lisa and zack hooked up. and nooooooooooo not because she was black -- in fact, it pissed me off in the earlier episodes that lisa always had a random no-name black guy as her date to the dances. but, in fact, through most of the show including the epi's that they're in hawaii -- lisa (lark voorhies) and zack (mark-paul-mary-kate-ashley-gosselaar) were dating in real life! whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

that gives you something to ponder next time you're blazed out, shoving pringles in your face, watching reruns on TBS at 4:30 in the afternoon when you should be at work...

unoriginal, unintelligent thoughts.

everyone at work is hungover today. i'm not, but it's the general vibe, so i'm happy to go along with it. because i'm clearly not doing work, i've been thinking a lot about the world around me. changes, staticism (the act of being static -- an invented oxymoron -- kind of like normalcy. if warren g. harding can invent a word, i can.), ticks of the world (not to be confused w/ ticks of the woman next to me on the 1 train this morning).

so i have a few things for you to ponder along with me -- they mostly revolve around being as lazy as possible.

1) Is there a systematic way to pack for a move? It seems to me there should be an easier way than throwing everything you own into boxes/bags then into a truck then out of the boxes/bags into their new spot. why aren't there more services out there (especially in nyc) with people who will do it for you? that would be a pretty sick job to have. spend a day, throw someone's shit in a box and get a few bills. you don't have to do any of the actual heavy lifting. just the packing. i'm pretty persuasive huh? you're totally convinced. come on over to my place around 9am tomorrow and i'll let you know if you have what it takes to be a professional packer. now, i dont have any cash, exactly, but there's a good chance i have a half-corked bottle of cabernet on my nightstand...

2) Why have toilets not really evolved in the last 859289436 years? i'm not getting graphic here, relax, but i just feel like with everything else having evolved SO much -- the tv, the phone, the computer, clothes -- you'd think after all this time, the toilet would be a lot cooler. yeah, indoor plumbing was a great call. but that was decades ago. we're ready for something better. you're challenged again, huh? fax me the blueprints. (side note - are either fax machines or blueprints still used?)

3) How come not everyone can dance? We all have the same body parts (easy...) and hear the same music. so, how come only some people can find a beat and bust a move?

4) Lastly, where the hell does heidi montag get off making a song?!

who's cultured? you's cultured?

i'm awful at new york city. the idea of it -- i mean, terrible. the whole city revolves around being "cultured" which is really just being as pretentious as possible. and i love being better than everyone, trust me. but with witticisms and obscure pop culture references. so i hate that every conversation in the city revolves around which restaurants you've been to and how you like your wine and how many oscar wilde references you can throw down over your fillet.

well, i can't use chop sticks. i'm more of a hemingway fan. i drink pinot (noir, grigio, whatever) because i like saying the word "pinot" not because i can really taste the difference between most wines. and i've probably eaten at a total of 6 restaurants in the city -- 2 were pizza places, 3 were dunkin donuts', and the other was the tasti-d on spring.

so i'm thinking i should probably move somewhere else. somewhere i can dominate in a matter of days. where i come in like kevin bacon in footloose, cause a lil stir, spice-up the minister's daughter, and dance all over the town.

someplace where the beer flows like wine. where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of capistrano.

i'm talking about a little place called....aspen.

i (kinda) quit

basically every day, actually, multiple times a day, i read jezebel and decide to quit blogging. then i realize blogging is totally selfish. i really dont care what other people think, i doubt you find any of this funny or anything more than a waste of your 14 minutes and 23 seconds (yes, that's the average amount of time you jokers spend on this site -- HOW?!). i basically do it cause i can lie to myself and say it's actual "work" that i'm "expanding my craft".

so today is one of those days with this jezebel post:

We once had a boyfriend who was homeless and unemployed. (We know, we know.) When this boyfriend stayed with us, we'd come home to find the bed made, the dry-cleaning picked up and roses on the nightstand. Of course, he was dumb as a stump and we always had to pay for everything, so it didn't last.

ummm i dated this boy. this EXACT boy. i'm not sure which j-bel this is, but one of us got the other's sloppy seconds. i'd like to have a conversation to discover who dated him for less time, the ultimate winner. but this article brings up a good point about the "ever-changing role of the woman in the home" (gag, that phrase might be more over-used than "hot") -- we're supposed to be all hardworking and such that we need a man to be the "wife"??

eff that, dude. i'd rather have a shitshow of a house with kids running around all naked and dirty than have a pussy of a husband.

that said, there's gotta be a happy medium between a man-wife and living at britney spears' house, right?

the wait is over!

there are a few things that I enjoy in my spare time. honestly, i wish i could say they were things like analyzing chagall paintings and reading hobbes' leviathan or playing double dutch with terminally ill kids.

but really, it's reality tv. i've spent an unfortunate amount of my day trying to figure out the pre-sale password for So You Think You Can Dance - Live! (if you have it for NJ or Boston, i'll give you a can of V8...and a mini desk British flag...and a towel with a picture of a pearl on it...) and also trying to think of a way i can move the 1 on 1 i have with my manager until a time that isn't the exact same time as the presale! god, life! could you be any crueler?!

but, we all know, before there was reality tv we fell in love with tv that couldn't be further from reality. one show in particular captured my heart. Full House. for my money it doesn't get any better than crazy joey messing up uncle jesse's hair or watching those twins nicky and alex get fuglier with each episode.

the unfortunate thing with sitcoms is that the people on them are actual actors. so they have a bit of pride and don't appear on every MTV show from here until eternity like 97% of the real world cast. because of this, we're often left wondering - where are these crazy kids today!?

well, thanks to my pal Jason (hey jase!) we don't have to wonder anymore!

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/8938741.html

ok, i'll be the one to say what everyone else is thinking: Denise?! dammmmmmmmmn!

Ed Note: I just IMDBed her - she claims to be only 21 years old!? I call your bluff Jurnee Smollett!

Side Note (which is different from and Ed. Note, so shut up): remember when Little Richard cameoed as Denise's uncle in that episode?! that was killer! and also a little racist...

you be the judge

"Mena Suvari shaved her head!!" a pal yells.

"Umm, who??" was my reply. Oh, yes, the kind of unfortunate looking girl from American Beauty. And, you know, I probably wouldn't think she was that hit except that she played a girl who was supposed to be hot, so I had immediate contempt for her.

Regardless, the ho actually looks better sans a mane. maybe that's all it takes now to be taken seriously as an actress -- shave your dome and you'll have oscars coming your way in hours.

then again, remember when natalie portman shaved her head for V for Vendetta and then it totally bombed?? kind of got a chuckle out of that. but whatever, she's smarter and cooler and more talented and certainly hotter -- hair or no -- than any of us, so joke's on us I guess.

(and no, b.spears doesn't fall into this category. she's just straight up wacked. crazy's in a field all her own.)

because it's friday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJdCglISowo

is that even a human sound?? and the fact that it takes them that long to cut back to studio...then the comments?! christ, you can't make this shit up.

also, is it just me or did she barely even fall...?