sex on fire

jumping in where kings of leon left off, i got to thinking (carrie bradshaw lameness intended) about what makes great sex great?

in my years of research, i've come to decide that it's not just one thing, or even a few things, but more of a hurricane-like culmination (oh yeah, this post is going to be riddled with lazy sexual innuendos, so buckle down) of things. it's not just the wind, not just the rain, but this love storm has to come together over the warm waters of the gulf to really pick up steam and do serious damage (usually it's damage to your productivity the following morning).

it's not just that you're in the mood for it because, honestly, are you ever not in the mood for it? it's not just that you finished your sixth ketel grapefruit because, honestly, is there ever a night when you haven't just finished your sixth ketel grapefruit? (if you haven't picked up on this already, you=me in the above and below statements...)

it's also that it's noon and you're feeling damn hot this particular tuesday. it's also "oops...the shower was closer than the bed and thank god it was". it's also that you're "in the mood to be dominated" (of course that came from ET. -Ed.) and were lucky enough to roofie home a dude who's gonna teach you a thing or two. and can we take a second to note: boys, this is relatively rare. most of you are more in the tropical depression category. which is fine. if there's a drought, we'll take a little rain wherever we can.

while we're on the topic, let's discuss the top three things that make mediocre sex mediocre. and wow, this one is a helluvalot easier.

1. Cuddling. way to ruin it, dude. if it was that good, we're probs pretty effing hot (in more ways than one! badumbumCHING) and the last thing i want is your sweaty--ugh. i cant even finish this sentence.
   
2. Prolonged eye contact. this isn't a staring contest. keep your head in the game. even if we're dealing w/ some super sappy emotional sexual situation, i'm not thinking about how much i care about you at that moment. seriously. focus.
3. Post-mortem. if you need to ask and/or discuss (unless out of pure 'holy. good. god.'), you better save your energy for a round two, you've got a lot of making up to do.

this sounds like i'm putting all of the blame/pressure on you cowboys out there. and, well, i am. consider this dancing. take the lead. and watch our toes.