who do i think i am?

so i went ahead and bought a botkier bag yesterday. now, since a good many of you don't know me, let me explain.

i have absolutely no business buying a $650 bag.

total, i spent almost $4000 yesterday. ONE day. is that even legal? i mean, bills, loans, christmas -- most of it was logical, but some of it (like the aforementioned [adorable] bag) was not. i'm trying to compare myself to someone right now. who spends $4k/day? to actual celebs, it's nothing. so i'm not in that league at all. maybe more in the young investment banker range? does that seem logical?

let's go with it. a 25 year old investment banker might very well spend a few grand every day, just because. well, i probably make about a quarter (and that's being VERY kind to myself) of what an ibanker usually makes. so how long before i'm broke, kids?

if A+B=C i think it means -- today. i'm currently ridiculously bankrupt and have no idea what to do about it. or really any kind of desire to change my spending habits at all, honestly.

as such, consider this post a call for help -- a desperate plea to all of you out there -- i NEED a life coach. someone to literally hit me w/ a stun gun, to "tase me, bro!" every time i whip out the plastic. positive reinforcement hasn't worked for 23 years, so it's time to turn to the bottle, er, negative.

bring on the applications!

damn the man

so the last...forever...since my last post was not entirely my fault. mostly it was, but also, my first amendment right was stolen from me as my site was blocked at work. and i've been too wasted before and after work to get it together to post something dope from home.

it's been so long, i don't really even know where to begin. so i'm thinking about things that i love. boys, rum, being organized, shopping with other people's money, and australia.

as we're entering the holiday season, i'd like to share a little article with you about my (future) countrymen.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/lifestyleaustraliachristmasoffbeat;_ylt=AjxRtdeheNEcm8WVk9rCuG_tiBIF

ok, you're clearly too lazy to click on that...punk, so i'll give you a little overview. those ridiculous(ly awesome) sydneysiders decided that santas saying "ho ho ho" is offensive to women, so they now must say "ha ha ha".

honestly...i'm offended that you think, sydney, that i'm going to think i'm being called by name when santa shouts "ho ho ho". like i'm actually going to turn around and bitchslap the dude, alll "who you callin' a ho, fatty!"

so this brings us to the real question -- did the above scenario actually happen? and who was there but didn't catch it on video? or, worse, if it didn't happen -- who was sitting around and just thought this up? maybe it will also offend gardeners. you know, hoes...?

yikes, sorry...there was something there. couldn't hit it.

man, australians are so nuts. it's good to hear they're taking a little break from hate crimes against aborigines and asians though. lay it on the bitchez....

la belle et le bad boy

i, for one, am pretty over all this SATC bullshit. i can't turn around w/o someone talking about this movie or whatever that crazy patricia field has sarah jessica parker struttin around in.

this movie is being touted as the second coming of christ. and if i didn't love the show so goddamn much, i would probably boycott it. but i won't be a hypocrite on this 70 degree friday in late october, that would just be ungrateful.

but, i have to say, whoever is doing their PR is not getting paid enough. between the "mysterious" buzz created for the last few years -- including into production -- and the allowance of just enough set stills to be "leaked" to our favorite blogs, to candace bushnell's original sex and the city columns from over a decade past being reprinted in the Observer, to -- probably the most underrated of all -- that 1985 classic, Girls Just Want to Have Fun being aired on ABC Family this past weekend...we're all thoroughly reacquainted with SJP, thank you very much.

it doesn't help that our last memory was that gawdawful finale. cheezbeyondcheez. i mean, finding the carrie necklace when she's w/ the russian. she finally finds "herself" so she can run away into big's arms. (Ed. Note: Big is a dick. he won't change. and he's like 50. so realistically, if he's like any of our boys, which he's always been...they should be divorced by now.)

idk what pisses me off more, the fact that bushnell makes as much as she does butchering the english language in her feigned attempts to write about mink coats and dating models. or that the people who wrote that lazy finale are probably set for life.

regardless, T-195 days to US release...

THIS is what i've been matched with

You’re welcome.

the email i just received, in it's entirety. match.com works friends, you heard it here first.

bastards, all of you!

no this "friend" is NOT me!

assholes...

can't fault a drunk

this whole match.com series thing was a great idea. cept then i remembered that my pal is one of maybe 3 people who booze more than i do. that said, she's chosen the bottle over creating a match account.

i respect that.

so we'll move on to probably the biggest challenge facing internet dating: the picture. you've gotta show something that makes you look...well...hot. but also fun, though not too fun, cause then you're advertising that you're a fall down drunk or immature or something. and isn't dating all about discovering those secrets??

and when searching through pictures...oh boy. 90% of the dudes out there have pics from 3-10 years ago when they had hair and were 40lbs lighter. and if it's out of focus...the camera was trying to tell you something.

unless it's a picture like this, then what you see is what you get.



and yes, i'm including this just b/c this post sucks. and even midgets dressed like dalmatians can't make this thing funny.

find me a find. catch me a catch.

apparently this online dating thing is normal now? i'm not sure if i agree with that. you still judge, you know? i mean, meeting a dude online aren't you pretty skeptical that he actually took the time to upload his pictures online and meticulously fill out all those questions about how he gets turned on by tattoos and how girls who love parrots totally weird him out?

anyway, i've convinced a friend of mine to join match.com. of course, she doesn't need it being one hot little vixen, but she's graciously accepted this challenge to provide my readers with an educational look into the world of online dating.

also, she can shove it b/c who doesn't want to hook up as much as possible? so we'll follow this pal as she strolls down the path to awkward first dates and unwanted kisses goodnight, er...i mean...love or something...

along her journey, however, she will face a few obstacles like the AGRO CRAGGG remember that shit?! GUTS! that was the hottest show. "Let's go to Mo with the results!"

seriously.

challenge number one: choosing a name. your match.name is the first thing boys will see. so it can't be too out there or hard to remember, but it shouldn't really have anything to do with your name or current IM names or serious stalkage is bound to ensue. but it still has to be "you" right? i don't even know what i just said. i definitely just blacked out.

challenge number two: getting over the "what kind of boys are on this thing?" focus on how cute they are. let's face it. if you were at a bar that's all you'd be thinking anyway. and, who actually has a cool personality? like 2% of the population, and at least 1.5% of that 2% is hit. so focus on looks. it's the only fair way.

stay tuned for spicy updates...