My Big, Fat, Irish Family: Vol. 1

my family is nuts. i mean...like legitimately crazy. now, i've been toying with writing about the fam for awhile b/c it could be awesome and it could be totally disastrous. you kind of have to go big or go home on something like this, and it reminds me of a great Full House episode. remember when joey gladstone dates that weird looking blond comic and she spent all this time with the fam then hated on everyone on stage and they were all "joey, you gotta break up with her." and he's all "guys, it's funny! lighten-up!" but she was really just being an uber bitch.

i'm that blond comic now (and just as beat and un-funny), but it doesn't change the fact that my family is crazy. i'll give you a specific example. for the last 35 years my family has been invading a tiny little lake in maine known as Panther Pond. this is extended family, i'm talking about -- aunts, uncles, dozens of cousins, etc.

so, apparently, at one point or another in the early years of "goin' up Maine" things got chaotic and my Uncle Jack felt that to create ultimate order, we'd have to create "Maine Rules" which you absolutely have to follow or....else. (He kind of reminds me of Hobbes in that way -- absolutely terrified of mob-rule, that he'd actually lock himself in his house for years on end rather than face a crowd.)

And these aren't rules like "no running on the pool deck" or "wait 30 mins after eating before you go in the water". No, no (and I am NOT joking about these rules, nor am i exaggerating. I will give you actual references to confirm that these must, in fact be followed).

Rule #13: You may only have ONE (1) piece of meat on a sandwich and ONE (1) piece of cheese. If you are lucky, and it is a particularly quiet day at the cottage and there is a high cheese to meat ratio, you may eat another piece of cheese AS YOU MAKE THE SANDWICH.

But that extra piece of cheese is rare, honestly, I'm pretty sure you need the Pope's blessing before that one.

or take Rule # 27: You may not go for ice cream unless you are bringing everyone with you at the same time. That includes both adults, children, and your 89 year old grandmother.

or, my favorite now that I'm counting my vacation days and would like to spend every moment of which exactly how i'd like to spend it, Rule # 4: You may not nap in the cottages. You are on vacation, so why do you need to nap? Should you like to sleep, you must do so on a towel at the beach or on the raft.

Nevermind the 948593 screaming children attempting to pour buckets of water on you.

yikes, i think i might need a volume 2 or 20...?