you ain't got no alibi

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2000/02/15/web_site_offers_fake_alibi/

Not really sure if this is an awful statement on our society or absolutely genius. this article coincides with last month's Details article (the one with a hairy harry potter on the cover) that stated that 60% of people cheat on their significant other. Even scarier there was a stat that said 90% of female cheaters felt they were justified in foolin' around with the pool boy, and showed no remorse in doing so...in fact, most said they'd do it again.

YIKES!

But, from a marketing stand point...there's a need and this is a great product...

just wrap it up, people. please.

anorexia delight

what's the deal with our food? first, shit-tons of puppies and kitties start dying then this toothpaste tainted with anti-freeze, and now there's botulism all up in our canned foods?? (ps botulism?!? i thought that died out w/ small pox and the bubonic plague. wtf??)

if there was a better time and reason to be anorexic, i don't know when it could be. and still, still i'm sitting in my office waiting for the murray's bagel delivery. for all i know their dough is hand-delivered by seedy Chinese ninjas (yes, i'm aware ninja's aren't from china, but they probably had chinese influences and any use of ninja is a good use), and the accompanying bolthouse juices are really bottles of african witch doctor pee (easy, there really are still witch doctors out there...comment that i'm racist. seriously.).

try their whole wheat everything bagel, though, and i can pretty much guarantee you'll roll the dice with the possible result of your liver imploding or your kids being born with 11-teen heads.

honestly, though, can we not test this shit? i read that less than 1% of all food coming into this country is tested by the FDA. ummm....what other job do you have, FDA?? literally, you test foods and drugs...all day. that's all you need to do. i'm pretty sure it wouldn't be too hard to deduce that asian "pizza dough" is really cardboard with dog particles.

get sober.

Hypocrite (noun) a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

yeah, i totally admit it, i'm a hypocrite....kelly clarkson's new album's actually really good.

and her song "Sober" is ridic. it's been on repeat all day. i actually bought the entire album b/c she deserves my crisp $10 bill just for this one track.

Hottest lyrics:
And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing

i mean...from the girl who wrote miss independent. that's not half bad.

i'm back on the train, kel! (shhh i was just peer pressured into getting off by Regina and her hoop earrings.)

so over it

oh christ. i give up. frankly, i just don't have the energy anymore...

http://www.tmz.com/2007/07/24/lohan-charges/

who puts coke in their pockets?!?

ick...

is anyone else totally uncomfortable with how comfortable john travolta is in drag?

is that a beret?

all right, this needs to be discussed. what's going on with my girls?? since i was probably 14, i've had maybe, 3 celeb chicks that i love -- legit lezbotlovelove. in no particular order they are:

Kelly Clarkson
Britney Spears
Lindsay Lohan

Sure, other chicks have come and gone like your typical summer fling. I still crush rachel mcadams, but i recently found out she's like 45, so i'm getting over her haggard ass. i'm not ready to take on cougars until i get my first botex injection...i just can't relate.

But these ladies have my heart. now, say what you will about LiLo. she takes more drug cocktails on a daily basis than an AIDS patient, should probably sponsor keitel one, and has dabbled in the art of wrapping your mercedes around a tree. BUT throughout it all, she's still hot. now that she's slowly weened of the blow-only diet (and yeah, that can probably be taken a few different ways...) she looks even hotter!

even kelclark. sure, she needs to lay off the bologna and cheese sammys, but she cleans up well and you gotta respect that she goes to blows with the biggest music mogul out there to get her songs heard. are they shitty songs? well, i'm not buying that gawdawful album, but hey, my respect, kel. seeing her live at lilith fair...er...her summer concert at great woods, i was even more impressed. though, babe, you need to throw down a few bills for a stylist. that's all i'm saying.

now, brit...i mean, wow is about all i can manage to say anymore. sometimes you gotta throw your hand in and let god take over. now, for my money, it doesn't get any better than her live performance of Slave. hot, pre-kids brit. before the umbrella attack and the granny panties. but on the brightside...the new video is probably going to win the ultimate unintentional-comedy prize. she's a poor man's elvira in that picture and that's a hectic statement -- i didnt know it was possible to have a worse version of elvira. actually, thinking about it. elvira's kind of a hot slut.

that doesn't change the fact that brit doesn't have a chance in hades of this album being anything but a hot mess. i'm excited to see the new technological advances in airbrushing, though. hopefully they're shooting the whole thing in black and white.

so, sorry brit, but you've now officially been knocked out of the top 3 and replaced with Cat Deeley (or at least her wardrobe...) .

My Big, Fat, Irish Family: Vol. 1

my family is nuts. i mean...like legitimately crazy. now, i've been toying with writing about the fam for awhile b/c it could be awesome and it could be totally disastrous. you kind of have to go big or go home on something like this, and it reminds me of a great Full House episode. remember when joey gladstone dates that weird looking blond comic and she spent all this time with the fam then hated on everyone on stage and they were all "joey, you gotta break up with her." and he's all "guys, it's funny! lighten-up!" but she was really just being an uber bitch.

i'm that blond comic now (and just as beat and un-funny), but it doesn't change the fact that my family is crazy. i'll give you a specific example. for the last 35 years my family has been invading a tiny little lake in maine known as Panther Pond. this is extended family, i'm talking about -- aunts, uncles, dozens of cousins, etc.

so, apparently, at one point or another in the early years of "goin' up Maine" things got chaotic and my Uncle Jack felt that to create ultimate order, we'd have to create "Maine Rules" which you absolutely have to follow or....else. (He kind of reminds me of Hobbes in that way -- absolutely terrified of mob-rule, that he'd actually lock himself in his house for years on end rather than face a crowd.)

And these aren't rules like "no running on the pool deck" or "wait 30 mins after eating before you go in the water". No, no (and I am NOT joking about these rules, nor am i exaggerating. I will give you actual references to confirm that these must, in fact be followed).

Rule #13: You may only have ONE (1) piece of meat on a sandwich and ONE (1) piece of cheese. If you are lucky, and it is a particularly quiet day at the cottage and there is a high cheese to meat ratio, you may eat another piece of cheese AS YOU MAKE THE SANDWICH.

But that extra piece of cheese is rare, honestly, I'm pretty sure you need the Pope's blessing before that one.

or take Rule # 27: You may not go for ice cream unless you are bringing everyone with you at the same time. That includes both adults, children, and your 89 year old grandmother.

or, my favorite now that I'm counting my vacation days and would like to spend every moment of which exactly how i'd like to spend it, Rule # 4: You may not nap in the cottages. You are on vacation, so why do you need to nap? Should you like to sleep, you must do so on a towel at the beach or on the raft.

Nevermind the 948593 screaming children attempting to pour buckets of water on you.

yikes, i think i might need a volume 2 or 20...?

monsoon love story

well, i've officially fallen head over heels in love. it's bad too -- that can't tear yourself away, miserable when you're anywhere else, you're now a totally different person kind of love.

yup, i'm in love with new york. finally.

my heart will always belong to boston, but i don't really anticipate my love affair with this city ending anytime soon. and like any affair, it's not easy. my lover tortures me pretty much daily. it throws me freezing winters with the added challenge of "haaaaaaayll no, i'm not plowing these streets. try trekking through 3 day old dirty slush in those new heels, baby!"

now, it's summer. but instead of getting beaches and boats, my lovahhh throws me humidity and nasty smelling garbage, or homeless people, or subway pee, or i guess a nostril-burning, acidic combination of all of these things. and, as if the constant terrorist threats weren't enough, today we have a natural disaster. or at least it seems to be -- it's thunder/lighting/monsooning out.

like a typical girl, though, i just keep coming back for more...

gulp

i still have the plague but as i'll be on vaca (huzzah! huzzah!) next week, i figured i'd leave you with an interesting article/blurbalurb i just read.

Fast Company reports:
Want to do something help stop the climate crisis? Stop buying bottled water. Last year Americans spent $15 billion "for a product we have always gotten, and can still get, for free, from taps in our homes." In the US we ship 1 billion bottles of the stuff around a week. That's "37,800 18-wheelers." And water is "so heavy you can't fill an 18-wheeler with [it] - you have to leave empty space. To top it off, US tap water is safer than the bottled stuff and 24 percent of what we buy is "tap water repackaged by Coke and Pepsi." What are we thinking?

24% of what we buy is tap water repackaged by Coke and Pepsi. I wonder if that can be legal, but i suppose, why not? it's not like it's false advertising. they never say "this has never been and can never be tap water."

The whole point of this article is about how we can stop global warming if we stop drinking bottled water cause those trucks are off the road. and maybe we should stop eating, or wearing clothes, cause i'm pretty sure planes and trucks have to deliver that stuff too.

so eff that - those sluts down south need to stop buying their quintuple hemi eat the world and vomit up pure carbon emissions pick ups. and every single kid that went to my high school needs to stop getting jeep grand cherokee's for their 16th birthday when their parents already drive an escalade. maybe we should focus on that for awhile.

also - why is there still global warming when every fucking flight gets canceled anyway?! i say this because i'm flying tomorrow -- prove me wrong us air. prove me wrong.