My Leigh

until today, i've avoided miley cyrus because i felt...i felt it was something...I was supposed to do. i'm not 11. i'm not particularly into pop. i HATE people with lisps (despite being cast as the Pine Sol bitch in my girl bairam's made for tv movie). so all signs pointed away from mi mi.

though, in secret, i appreciated her naked photoshoots and the fact that her cell phone pics always "leaked" to the media. she's a slut in the making and i respect that. she's got moxie. and moxie goes a long way.

now, i've had to deal with a lot of peer pressure to hate her. my friends all do. and unlike your friends, my friends really are awesome. if they were drunk, i'd probably get in a car with them. because dying/getting mangled together would be better than awkwardly dealing with them in the hospital afterward.

but today, today i hold my head high with pride. i scream from atop my ikea desk "SEVEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!" i spent 99 cents on this bitch, and i've already listened to it at least 50 times, so that means it's paid for itself 75 times over.

ladies, gents, join me as we sing on high...

Pants Parade

guys, two days...TWO DAYS. it's been three long years of combing the interwebs, searching ABC family's weekly guide, tearing open each week's variety...waiting. patiently waiting. and in two short days -- Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 will take the world by storm! andicannotfuckingwait!!!

everything from the tagline -- Laugh. Cry. Share the Pants. -- is pure gold. i'm a little stressed about seeing this in the theatre though, honestly. i might pee my pants, that's inevitable, and it's also something i can prepare for and deal with accordingly. but my main issue is that i can't fast forward through all of Carmen's scenes. i HATE carmen. she's so aggro puerto rican. it's racist, really. what? you couldnt cast a black chick, so you made the closest thing the angry one? it should have been alexis bledel's character, Lena. she's at least 30 and playing a 17 year old, so i'd be pretty pissed. sorry, alexis, you were my least favorite gilmore...even the grandmother was better than you.

but i'll deal with it. i'll sit through carmen singing guantanamera with a spatula in hand over and over again just to see who my girl bridget falls into bed with next. we left homegirl crying about the fact that she left soccer camp and therefore her one night stand. (ed. note - isn't that the worst feeling though? right after you break up with someone or leave your summer crush on some condom/syringe ridden beach in southern massachusetts, knowing that it could be months before you're getting laid again. that's why i like to vacation places i have to take a ferry to -- a few greyhounds later and you're taking the skipper below deck...)

so, if you need me during the next two days, i'll be at forcing my three closest friends (who would never be my friends in real life) to come to JCPenney with me to try on pair after pair of faded dungarees.

"It's complicated..."

let me go on the record as saying i love the "relationship status" feature on facebook (named, heretofore, "the book"). if there's a way you can set your book homepage to only see relationship status updates, please let me know.

i couldn't care less that that dude i had a drunken make out with in sophomore year "just became a fan of zombies", honestly. or that the awkward redheaded chick, who i had to partner with on a skit in junior year spanish, added "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. -Carrie Bradshaw” to her quotes section.

however this morning, i came across a friend from college's status update. he made the executive decision, within the privacy of the tight knit facebook community, to move from being "in a relationship" to "it's complicated..."

now, here's where entering free form relationship statuses would come in handy. if i were his complicated relationship counterpart, i would simply respond with "homeboy turned out to be a total tool" or "clearly 'taking a hint' isn't his jam" or, depending on the severity of the situation "he's not exactly...a home team hero, if you know what i mean, and i think you do" (depending on the character count limit).

if i can deal with seeing people's lame status updates (Ed. note: i update mine 6-10 times a day, usually about the type of alcohol i'm ingesting or some kind of emo quote. i'm the lamest kid ever. but it brings me back to the days of dial-up AOL when i would spend hours crafting the sickest profile with secret messages to the boy i liked that was vague only to myself. i digress...), i think i've earned the right to see free form relationship status. the end result would be nothing less than a spectacular tumblr.

the battle cry of a returning soldier

i'm back.

(pausing for applause, tears, related awestruck silence)

you and i both know, i love myself a good hip hop beat. moreover, i enjoy the classy, factual yet metaphorical lyrics that oft accompany da beats. so, after three days straight of listening to vanessa carlton's "white houses" (i should have just taken a valium and gotten it over with, i now realize), i was pleased -- nay, wonderstruck -- to have come across a certain gem by the lil'est of waynes.

you're welcome for 4:33 of pure bliss.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=740d8sTpM7U

who do i think i am?

so i went ahead and bought a botkier bag yesterday. now, since a good many of you don't know me, let me explain.

i have absolutely no business buying a $650 bag.

total, i spent almost $4000 yesterday. ONE day. is that even legal? i mean, bills, loans, christmas -- most of it was logical, but some of it (like the aforementioned [adorable] bag) was not. i'm trying to compare myself to someone right now. who spends $4k/day? to actual celebs, it's nothing. so i'm not in that league at all. maybe more in the young investment banker range? does that seem logical?

let's go with it. a 25 year old investment banker might very well spend a few grand every day, just because. well, i probably make about a quarter (and that's being VERY kind to myself) of what an ibanker usually makes. so how long before i'm broke, kids?

if A+B=C i think it means -- today. i'm currently ridiculously bankrupt and have no idea what to do about it. or really any kind of desire to change my spending habits at all, honestly.

as such, consider this post a call for help -- a desperate plea to all of you out there -- i NEED a life coach. someone to literally hit me w/ a stun gun, to "tase me, bro!" every time i whip out the plastic. positive reinforcement hasn't worked for 23 years, so it's time to turn to the bottle, er, negative.

bring on the applications!

damn the man

so the last...forever...since my last post was not entirely my fault. mostly it was, but also, my first amendment right was stolen from me as my site was blocked at work. and i've been too wasted before and after work to get it together to post something dope from home.

it's been so long, i don't really even know where to begin. so i'm thinking about things that i love. boys, rum, being organized, shopping with other people's money, and australia.

as we're entering the holiday season, i'd like to share a little article with you about my (future) countrymen.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/lifestyleaustraliachristmasoffbeat;_ylt=AjxRtdeheNEcm8WVk9rCuG_tiBIF

ok, you're clearly too lazy to click on that...punk, so i'll give you a little overview. those ridiculous(ly awesome) sydneysiders decided that santas saying "ho ho ho" is offensive to women, so they now must say "ha ha ha".

honestly...i'm offended that you think, sydney, that i'm going to think i'm being called by name when santa shouts "ho ho ho". like i'm actually going to turn around and bitchslap the dude, alll "who you callin' a ho, fatty!"

so this brings us to the real question -- did the above scenario actually happen? and who was there but didn't catch it on video? or, worse, if it didn't happen -- who was sitting around and just thought this up? maybe it will also offend gardeners. you know, hoes...?

yikes, sorry...there was something there. couldn't hit it.

man, australians are so nuts. it's good to hear they're taking a little break from hate crimes against aborigines and asians though. lay it on the bitchez....

la belle et le bad boy

i, for one, am pretty over all this SATC bullshit. i can't turn around w/o someone talking about this movie or whatever that crazy patricia field has sarah jessica parker struttin around in.

this movie is being touted as the second coming of christ. and if i didn't love the show so goddamn much, i would probably boycott it. but i won't be a hypocrite on this 70 degree friday in late october, that would just be ungrateful.

but, i have to say, whoever is doing their PR is not getting paid enough. between the "mysterious" buzz created for the last few years -- including into production -- and the allowance of just enough set stills to be "leaked" to our favorite blogs, to candace bushnell's original sex and the city columns from over a decade past being reprinted in the Observer, to -- probably the most underrated of all -- that 1985 classic, Girls Just Want to Have Fun being aired on ABC Family this past weekend...we're all thoroughly reacquainted with SJP, thank you very much.

it doesn't help that our last memory was that gawdawful finale. cheezbeyondcheez. i mean, finding the carrie necklace when she's w/ the russian. she finally finds "herself" so she can run away into big's arms. (Ed. Note: Big is a dick. he won't change. and he's like 50. so realistically, if he's like any of our boys, which he's always been...they should be divorced by now.)

idk what pisses me off more, the fact that bushnell makes as much as she does butchering the english language in her feigned attempts to write about mink coats and dating models. or that the people who wrote that lazy finale are probably set for life.

regardless, T-195 days to US release...